For Trade

My Breasts For Yours


Yes, I have large breasts. Not excessively huge, but big, nonetheless. "A fine rack," you may say. "Big hooters." "Baywatch material." "Nicely stacked." "Melons." "Lovely grapefruits." Or my favorite, "TORPEDOES!".

The fact is, I hate them. Loathe and detest. Despise. I want them off my body and gone! Not only do they give me backaches, but I can't sleep on my stomach. I find it hard to kiss someone, as there's always this "mass" between us. Sex is a bitch. I can no longer jog. My cat actually WALKS down out of the window onto my lap by way of my breasts! Unfortunately, I don't have much lap left. I have a hard time buttoning shirts, since those two buttons at chest-level are stretched tight and constantly break off and the rest are loose. I often find leftovers lingering there. And odd things, like leaves and Post-It notes.

Yeah, you're probably laughing at this point, but it's really NOT FUNNY! (Well, not unless you laugh at the fact that I actually have a T-shirt that my left nipple has *rubbed a hole in* -- not unlike the way guys pumice their jeans to make their 'manhood' look bigger and burlier, like it actually wore through their trousers and is about to chase you down the street. I'm not talking a white, faded spot, though; I'm talking an *actual* HOLE in my T-shirt! You know, so my nipple can look out and see the world (and perhaps chase you down the street), thus mocking me even more.)

Guys, how would you like to have balls so big that you couldn't lay on your stomach or see your shoes when standing? Or jog? Or hug someone without them jutting into the other person, forcing you to lean over or else stand several inches away. Wait, stupid question, why did I ask? Forget I said that.

Girls with small(er) breasts, you don't know how lucky you are! Why in the hell would you want to *increase* the size of them?!? Especially with some gelatinous unknown substance in a plastic baggie, blech! Wait, stupid question. Forget I said that.

But that's the reason I'm here! I want to trade my large breasts for your smaller ones! Mine are pasty white, but I don't really care what color yours are, as long as they're comfortable and I can sleep face-down... and reclaim my lap. No reasonable offer refused.

E-mail me now, if you would like to swap.

Letter from the daughter

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

Back by Popular Demand

Subject: Alone with a Tazer

Hubby is always saying, “Well, I have FINALLY outdone myself”. I swear those will be his last words on earth. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend Hubby spied something at a pawn shop that tickled his fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that his "fancy" is easily tickled.) Hubby bought something really cool for me, his wife. The occasion was our 2nd anniversary of being together and I guess he was looking for a little something extra for his girl.What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, he bought the device and brought it home. He loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! Talk about disappointed. Upon reading the directions (REAL men don't need no stinkin' directions), he found, much to his chagrin, that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! He does love fire for effect.

Hubby learned that if he pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that he'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that he was so looking forward to. He did so.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. For y’all that know Hubby, he’s easily amused, but for your information, he has yet to explain to me what that burn spot is on the face of my microwave.

Okay, so Hubby was home alone with this new toy, thinking to himself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc. There he sat in his recliner, his dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be him reading, not the dog) and thinking that he really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit Hubby thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if he was going to give this thing to me to protect myself against a mugger, he did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Was he wrong? Was Hubby wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to him at the time, but then again, that’s just Hubby.

So, there he sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, with his reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of his nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Let me add, the directions did NOT state anywhere that this device was idiot proof. For goodness sakes, this man is from Iowa, need I say more?

All the while he’s looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to himself, "no friggin' way!" Trust me, I know the way Hubby thinks (or fails to think at times) but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

You have a pretty good idea of what followed. He’s sitting there, alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

Hubby decided to give himself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight—always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

He touched the prongs to his naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY XXXX! He’s pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked him up out of that recliner, then body-slammed his 6 foot, 3 inch body on the carpet over and over again.

Hubby vaguely recalls waking up on his side in the fetal position, his chest hair singed, his ‘man-parts’ nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with his left arm tucked under his body in the oddest position.

The dog was standing over him, making sounds he said he had never heard before, licking his face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again! Do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't wedge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

XXXXXXXXX that hurt! A minute or so later (He can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), he collected his wits (what little he had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

His reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? His triceps, right thigh and both pecs were still twitching. His face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as his bottom lip weighed 8 ounces give or take an ounce.

By the way, has anyone seen his ummm ‘man-parts’? He thinks they flew away. I'm offering a reward. He sure misses 'em . . .sure would like to get'em back for him for his birthday.

Texas Hunting Regulations........

As a result of the shooting incident in South Texas when a lawyer was shot by the Vice President, a new set of Hunting Regulations Regarding the Taking and Harvesting of Attorneys will be enforced by the Texas Parks & Wildlife Services:

Sec 370.01
Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

Sec 370.02
Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

Sec 370.03
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies and vermin.

Sec 370.04
The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

Sec 370.05
It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

Sec 370.06
It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

Sec 370.07
It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships except on Wednesday afternoon.

Sec 370.08
It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels except on Saturday and Sunday.

Sec 370.09
If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap, bag, shoot or possess the same. Use of any type killing device is legal including shotguns with the choke removed, highpowered rifles, handguns of any caliber, all types and kinds of game traps and snares. Poisoning is prohibited because of the danger to rattlesnakes, coyotes and skunks.

Sec 370.10
It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise such as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

Sec 370.11
Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders,
2 Two-faced tort feasors,
1 Back-stabbing divorce litigators,
3 Horn-rimmed cut-throats,
2 Minutiae-advocating dirtbags,
4 Honest attorneys are protected under the Endangered Species Act and can normally be
identified because they do not wear Rolex watches, drive a Porsche, BMW or other
expensive luxury automobile or wear $500 shoes and $1500 suits.

Happy St. Patty's Day

Friday is here at last!! It's been a long week here, and I'm so happy that this one is finally over.

We are planning a visit up at Oak Glen this weekend. I just love it up there. Hubby wants to buy some land up there and build. It's just so beautiful. Especially when all the apple orchards are in full bloom. Can't get any prettier than that, now can ya?

Oh well, off to work I go. I had to post this picture again, keeping with the day's theme, LOL. I jut love Gumby, LOL

Enough already........

I would have thought that by now all the hoopla on the Message Boards would have died down a bit. Most of it has, but I have noticed that the ones that want to be left alone to make their own decisions, are constantly bringing it up. They are constantly posting that this is their last post. Then they go on to the 3-4 different message boards posting their last farewell address. I bet they are sitting back, toggling between all the message boards to see all the posts saying oh please don't leave, we'll miss you, etc.. Is their life that dreary? That boring? They really need some help, and I don't mean help that comes from a computer.....they need some serious phych help.

On to better things....

We finally got the house painted. Hubby insisted that it had to be blue with white trim. He said that it will give it character. He told me, "Honey, trust me". Well, I did trust him. And I will be the first to admit, it looks pretty nice. I'm quite happy with the colors he chose. It goes with the decor inside, all victorian. I finished our room (which I will post later). I love what I have done. I chose hunter green and cranberry. Very romantic, if I may say so. The rest of the house is done in shades of greens and cranberry, with splashes of blue/mauve/gold. It's nice, not too feminine so that men will feel very comfortable. The only room that I wanted that WOW factor was our bedroom. I wanted it totally romantic. The fireplace in the corner of our room is nice. Hubby had specially made a nice fireplace screen that fits in nicely too, glass and wrought iron.

So in keeping in the 'holiday' spirit, the neighbors have changed Gumby. I so want one of these, but hubby just laughs and says not in HIS yard. I crack up everytime I pass Gumby. I'm dying to know what they are going to do for Easter. Have him hold an easter basket? LOL

I'm currently making an album about my 50th year. I am really liking how this is turning out. I will have to post that too when I get in the mood to take more pictures. I have so many, that it will take me a year of doing nothing but continuously scrapping. And to think I went through all the pictures and have them sorted into a MUST USE bin.

Here is a picture that I took yesterday of the snow on the mountains not too far from us. This is looking into Orange County, at the Cleveland National Forest. Quite rare to see snow on them. It's cold enough that when we went out today, the snow was still there. AWESOME.

I guess I should get off here and do a bit of scrapping if I am going to stick to my timeline. Yes, I made a scrapping timeline. There are certain things that I want to accomplish in a certain amount of time and that includes my swaps and some albums and layouts. So until then...........

Gloomy day on the message boards.....

I signed onto the message board the other night, and OMG.....You would have thought that Hillary Clinton had just gotten caught having an affair with her secretary.

So I cautiously read the 'old' message board to get a sense of what the heck was happening..then even more cautiously, I signed onto the 'new' message board. I have never seen so much chaos, so many women up in arms, the crying, the anger, the spewing of hostility. You would thought that they were just asked to give up their left boob, their first born (frankly, I think some would have given them up without a fight), or worse, their computer.

Some were threatening to leave the message boards all together (like that would happen), some threatened to never post at all on the 'new' one (ok, so they posted on the 'new' one to tell others that they weren't gonna post and then answered all that did post to let them know why they weren't gonna post), some even posted that they were gonna give the 'new' board a chance, and some just didn't care as long as they could post.

Some were upset that the 'new' board was hard to navigate through. Some posted that the 'blinkies' made the 'new' board look like a place of junk. Some posted that the 'new' board wasn't user-friendly. There were some that posted with great joy in the change. They liked the idea of being able to 'decorate' the board with their blinkies and stuff.

I remember reading back on the 'old' message board that some wanted to learn how to 'color' their posts. Now that they have the chance to do that with just a click of their mouse instead of writing the 3 mile long HTML code, they aren't happy.

I remember reading back on the 'old' message board that some wanted to know how to post pictures directly on their posts. Now that they have the chance to do that with just a click of their mouse, they are upset.

I remember reading back on the 'old' message board that some didn't think that anyone was reading their posts. Now that they have that option, they aren't happy.

I remember reading back on the 'old' message that some wondered if someone was online so that they could message each other, and now that they have that chance, yep, you guessed it....they aren't happy.

I guess no one is happy with changes. Personally, I don't care. A message board is a message board. You meet some nice women on them, form a relationship with them, bond...and someone throws in a wrench to throw them off kilter. Not fair. But then....sometimes, life isn't fair. All I can suggest is pick yourself up, dust off the seat of your pants, plant your feet firmly, and continue on lifes' journey.

Well, I'm off to the message boards....to see if all the commotion has calmed down any.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK

· When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of her"...

You need to pray at work.

· When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?".....

You need to pray at work.

· When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?".....

You need to pray at work.

· When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office....," and you want to throw a stapler at him......

You need to pray at work.

· When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk.........

You need to pray at work.

· When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!"....

You need to pray at work.

· When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy b*&%$#"......

You need to pray at work.

· When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s"........

You need to pray at work.

· If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with......

You need to pray at work.

· If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story .......

You need to pray at work.

· If you know all the words that have been bleeped out....You need to pray at work!

LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS

Flowers....flowers....flowers..

Did you ever collect something without knowing that you are collecting it? I have.

I have enough Prima flowers that I could start a flower shop. I have no clue as to why I keep buying them. An obsession? Yeah, maybe. I have so many that I had to buy a one of them Rubbermaid storage totes just for my flowers. I have all the

Got Flowers?,
all the Forever Flowers,
all the Seasonal Flowers,
all the Prima Hydrangeas,
all the Flower of the Month,
all the Botanical Mixes,
all the Leaves,
etc., etc., etc.,

I have them in glass bottles,
plastic bottles,
decorative bottles,
wooden crates,
plastic boxes,
etc., etc., etc.,

You name it in Prima, I have it. You name the color, I have it....

red
white
green
blue
purple
peach
pink
brown
yellow
burgundy
coral
brights
vintage
pastels
mustard
etc., etc., etc.,

The worse part is.....a fellow scrapper is selling off her bounty of Prima's..I heard about it.. and yep...you guessed it. I HAD to buy as many as I could. Did I need them? No, Was I gonna use them? I planned on it. I soon discovered that I had about 2-3 of EACH color. Good Gawd!! What on earth was I gonna do with them?

Well, something occurred to me....why don't you use them in the swaps that you are in. WHAT??? Actually USE them??? What a concept!!

I have flowers for every friggin layout, page swap and album that I do. As a matter of fact, on the page swaps that I am in, in the embellishment goodie pack, I'm including some. I may have to include 10 each per person.

OH well.....have you GOT FLOWERS?????