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Subject: Alone with a Tazer

Hubby is always saying, “Well, I have FINALLY outdone myself”. I swear those will be his last words on earth. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend Hubby spied something at a pawn shop that tickled his fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that his "fancy" is easily tickled.) Hubby bought something really cool for me, his wife. The occasion was our 2nd anniversary of being together and I guess he was looking for a little something extra for his girl.What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, he bought the device and brought it home. He loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! Talk about disappointed. Upon reading the directions (REAL men don't need no stinkin' directions), he found, much to his chagrin, that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! He does love fire for effect.

Hubby learned that if he pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that he'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that he was so looking forward to. He did so.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. For y’all that know Hubby, he’s easily amused, but for your information, he has yet to explain to me what that burn spot is on the face of my microwave.

Okay, so Hubby was home alone with this new toy, thinking to himself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc. There he sat in his recliner, his dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be him reading, not the dog) and thinking that he really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit Hubby thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if he was going to give this thing to me to protect myself against a mugger, he did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Was he wrong? Was Hubby wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to him at the time, but then again, that’s just Hubby.

So, there he sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, with his reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of his nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Let me add, the directions did NOT state anywhere that this device was idiot proof. For goodness sakes, this man is from Iowa, need I say more?

All the while he’s looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to himself, "no friggin' way!" Trust me, I know the way Hubby thinks (or fails to think at times) but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

You have a pretty good idea of what followed. He’s sitting there, alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

Hubby decided to give himself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight—always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

He touched the prongs to his naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY XXXX! He’s pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked him up out of that recliner, then body-slammed his 6 foot, 3 inch body on the carpet over and over again.

Hubby vaguely recalls waking up on his side in the fetal position, his chest hair singed, his ‘man-parts’ nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with his left arm tucked under his body in the oddest position.

The dog was standing over him, making sounds he said he had never heard before, licking his face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again! Do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't wedge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

XXXXXXXXX that hurt! A minute or so later (He can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), he collected his wits (what little he had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

His reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? His triceps, right thigh and both pecs were still twitching. His face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as his bottom lip weighed 8 ounces give or take an ounce.

By the way, has anyone seen his ummm ‘man-parts’? He thinks they flew away. I'm offering a reward. He sure misses 'em . . .sure would like to get'em back for him for his birthday.